Wait.

Sitting down to have my quiet time with the Lord, I look over at the stack of books I use during my devotional times….Power of a Praying Parent, Power of a Praying Wife, Power of a Praying Woman, a journal my mom gave me in which I’ve written daily and specific prayer requests, Mercy in the Wilderness, (a recent addition to the stack, sent from a dear woman), my Inductive Study Bible and a Beth Moore Bible study book on Daniel. I flick a piece of lizard droppings off of the top book. Normally, this is done mindlessly, but today it pushes me over the edge. The words Ida expressed yesterday as she swept the floor echo in my head, “So many lizard droppings…” I agree…not to mention the droppings we haven’t found yet that belong to that rat we hear in the loft some evenings. (Alex is buying a rat trap today.) In case there was any doubt that those noises were coming from a rat, I found evidence that one had been chewing on my underwear the other day. The sight immediately brought back the memory of a rat that was visiting one of the rooms upstairs in the girls’ dorm where we were serving in 1999-2000. He also enjoyed chewing on their underwear. Ugh. Today I found a half eaten banana.

Wait a minute…back up, you say. You have a girl who sweeps your house for you??? Yes. Ida, a dear Christian widow with one daughter comes two mornings a week to help clean our home, which is masked under a layer of pollution at the end of every day. If you are a foreigner, it is considered stingy not to employ a Filipino to work for you, since you have so much money to share, and others can barely make a living. Alex once had a conversation with a government official on the poverty level in the Philippines. Do you know how they determine the poverty level here? They figure out how many calories a person needs to live on, using the cheapest food available, and the amount it would take to buy that food determines the poverty level. Given that equation, it is astounding how many live at or below.

So, in the light of how meagerly others live, how could I feel sorry for myself over lizard droppings, rats, mold on my clothes, missing my family, friends and church, and our internet not working today? I’ve asked that question many times…scolding myself for being so selfish and ungrateful. I’ve never been mad at God for the life He has chosen for me, and I still believe He is loving and has my very best interest and His glory at heart as He designs every experience of my existence. I know that I don’t deserve anything better than hell as a sinner in the hands of a Holy God. To paraphrase the words of Pastor Harry, “If giving me salvation was the only thing God ever did for me, it is far beyond what I deserve!” But somehow it doesn’t stop me from wanting something more comfortable. The other day Alex said something while we were discussing this very issue. He said, “Romans says we are to present ourselves as living sacrifices…sacrifice means pain, or giving up something we don’t want to give.” This, I believe, sums up the whole reason I can be at peace living here, while at the same time, wishing I could move back home.

My prayers lately have been “Lord, either allow us to run this ministry from the states, or change me so that I am content here and satisfied with all You have given me.”

After my minor break down (following the lizard dropping incident this morning), I dove into my Bible study in great anticipation for a word from the Lord. I found something. One sentence from the Daniel study stood out to me: “How like our God to wait patiently to uncover mysteries!” You may not see the connection here, but I felt it spoke directly to my heart. I recently finished the book mentioned earlier, Mercy in the Wilderness, in which a woman, (experiencing far greater trials than I ever have), was forced to wait on God before she could experience the victory and character development He was producing through her trial. This gave me a renewed attitude of patience to wait on the Lord to develop something in me through the emptiness.

A thought came to mind…If I come to the place where I cannot be satisfied by anything around me, perhaps I am on my way to learning how to be satisfied only by You, Lord. Light bulb… Several years ago I remember saying, “I’ve never known what it means to be completely satisfied in Christ.” I knew that I had always been surrounded by things that brought me joy, and therefore I often short circuited experiencing true satisfaction through Christ because I could always indulge myself through tangible means.

Do I love living here now??? Ha, no way. But in the moments (however fleeting they may or may not be), when the Lord speaks into my heart, I experience a deeper peace and joy than I’ve ever produced for myself. I have to be reminded often….and I am in that place I recently told someone I’ve been only while in the Philippines….where my time with God is the richest part of my life. Sometimes I’m afraid to end my quiet time because I’m afraid the emptiness will come back. Perhaps, when I learn to find all I need in Him, I will once again obtain joy from other things in my life.

Thank you for allowing me to verbally process…and for taking this journey with me. I would never presume that my life is more difficult than anyone else’s…we all have different struggles to face. I write this down because I believe we all need to constantly hear testimony from each other on how the Lord is our life! It allows us to “spur one another on to love and good deeds,” increases our faith and elevates our view of God.

To God be all the glory!!!

Waiting on Him,
Chris